So... Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next we have rehearsals/crew work etc. And then on the 13th, and the 15th. And then on the 16th and 17th we have performances... I'm fairly certain the stress will be tangible tomorrow evening. I am fairly certain, actually, that we'll pull it off, with or without the entirety of our blocking. (Blocking for a vocal concert? Pfft (Not really how I feel))

I was looking at this schedule today, and I thought, "Gee, I sure am busy for the next week or so." And then I realized that not only am I not really that busy, but I'll be even less busy next week.

I need a job, just to keep my sanity. I thrive on being busy, whether I like to admit it to myself or not, and when I'm not busy I just sit around letting my mind atrophy. I need something to do constantly. I used to have a 'worry stone', and then a little stress ball, that I carried around with me to distract hands. It actually helped me to pay attention a lot, I need to start doing that again. Especially for chess games.


I'm starting sort of to question just how much difference thinking of mathematical notation as its own language (possibly a programming language) actually makes. I wonder how everyone else views maths.

This is my problem all the time... I am told, in many cases, that I am a natural; acting and music, for example. But I never know that until someone tells me... I tend to assume that I'm no better at anything than anyone else. (Certainly not at maths) Ironically, it's always a shock when I'm wrong about that...

I'm too tired to go into reasons for assuming that I'm average when it comes to my skill in just about anything. If I started to type out theories, I'd be here for another hour, and then I'd delete it all and start over because it sounded stupid 'on paper', so to speak. I've already done that once, in fact.

I need to be less afraid of looking stupid. Maybe I'll go into a long list of stuff tomorrow. Probably not, though, 'cause of the rehearsal...

But I digress. The point of it is, I'm always wondering how everyone else sees stuff. If it's different from the way I see things, or if they think of it in the same way... Maths is a prime example. It's possible that a ton of people think about it the same way I do, but they just associate it with something else. Or they associate it with maths itself. Maybe someone looks at programming the way they look at maths...


I like this new theme, you may have noticed it. The thing I don't like is that tag cloud. The reason I don't like it is I haven't really paid attention to my tags, so they're all over the place. Oh well...

I'm not sure what I want to talk about today. I had a topic all picked out, but now I forgot most of what I wanted to say about it, I'm afraid... That seems to happen a lot.

This last chess game, I lost. Every game I lost was because of a blunder, but so was the one I won. Not every chess game is decided by a blunder, although you wouldn't know it from watching me. It makes me question how sure I am about being half-decent at chess. It's the same way I wonder about my voice when people say I did well, singing. I never know if they're telling the truth or trying to protect my feelings for some reason... My feelings are jaded already. :-(

I had a dream a few days ago, mostly forgotten by now, where I was acting in a sort of sketch comedy TV series, although it seemed more like a movie... I forgot most of it except that it was similar to a series of five minute sketches on the Disney channel, though only by the set style. (All white, with some colour to depict certain objects) The only part other than that which I remember is the end, where I was pretending to smoke and another actor accidentally swore when she was saying her line, and everyone burst into laughter...



I've been thinking recently about my mind, and how it works. This came up when I was thinking about the mind of a character I have created, and how it works, and then thinking about how my own mind would influence the mind of the character. I developed a hypothesis, that my mind works better when I'm not just dealing with theory. The suggestion explained a lot for me, and seems to apply well to my interests.

When I say theory here, I mean things that don't actively present a challenge, and which don't yield any results that I can immediately perceive and manipulate. I need to be -doing- something. It could be that I find maths boring, for example, because it is mostly dealing with the theory of numbers.

The hypothesis doesn't apply so well to formulas, (c = (f - 32) / 1.8, to convert Fahrenheit to Celsius) although not in all cases. But this leads to a sort of anomalous side-point. I've been curious why I can so readily understand the flow of a program, if I try at it, easily (it seems) navigate logical labyrinths, (nested ifs and cases) etc. but I can't do a freakin' algebra problem without staring at it for ten minutes before I can think of the answer. It seems like the two should be closely related, programming and maths... c = (f - 32) / 1.8 looks SO MUCH like a line from a program. Perhaps that's why I can follow formulas easily. But you'd think algebra too... bah.

Back on the original point. So I have an easier time understanding things when I actually do something, than I do when I'm just listening to the theory behind it. More examples of this are music, chess, acting I guess, and probably at times programming and psychology. Psychology remains another anomaly for the hypothesis, you'd think it would be mostly theory. But I'll ignore that for a bit. I would find myself incredibly bored to look at the theories behind music, and I probably would find myself bored in short notice with chess, acting, and programming. Chess I can vaguely tolerate, and I have, because I can actively sort a database of chess games, and play them myself if I want using the theories as a guide.

Psychology breaks the hypothesis, like I said, although I haven't been as interested in it recently. (Says the guy who just wrote all of that about his own mind) It could also easily be that none of this is the case, and that I thought of it and clung to it simply because it is an idea that I can live with... I couldn't live with the idea that it is simply because I'm lazy, or don't try hard enough, spend too much time on the computer / watching TV, etc. (I don't think I do, those are just examples)

Good night

(edited because I got confused because it is four in the morning)